menulis sebuah tulisan kecil.

bukan sajak, bukan prosa,

melainkan cerita.

cerita tentang apa saja:

tentang yang hidup,

tentang yang mati,

tentang rasa,

tentang sakit,

tentang cara menghitung 1, 2, 3,…

tentang cara mengeja cinta.

aku hanya menulis.

bukan untuk dipuja,

apalagi dicinta.

tapi untuk berbagi rasa, berbagi cerita.

bukan untuk bilang “aku bisa!”

melainkan untuk bilang “kita bisa!”

bukan untuk berkata “jangan!”

melainkan untuk memberi dorongan.

karena hidup pernah gelap,

pernah juga terang.

karena hidup tidak diam,

hidup bergerak.

maka itu aku menulis,

hanya menulis.

Today things weren’t really good for me. I got yelled by a bus driver, I was feeling sick and tired, I have no money, and I disappoint myself by doing something unprofessionally. Okay, first thing first:

1. I got yelled by the bus driver when I want to go shopping some foods after class. I really often use headphone so I was kinda in my own world. When the bus came to the bus stop, I directly went to the middle door because I used to get in the bust from that door, instead of the first door in the front. But I can’t open the door at all because the driver already opened the front door for me. He yelled at me because I suddenly went to the other door, while he already opened that for me. Well, that’s my bad. And to get yelled by a bus driver is a new experience for me )

2. I wasn’t feeling okay today because I slept really late because I was doing my homework and studied for a test this morning. But I was up around 8, it was quite early for me because I could sleep more until 8.45. But I need to get up early because I already promised to meet my colleague downstairs. She brought me some siomay – Indonesian type of dumpling. I was so happy because I can’t make siomay here. Maybe it’s just because I don’t know how to make it. Well anyway, after that when I was in the class, I got so tired and was not in a really good condition. But I still can finished the classes. At first I decided to skip the class at 16.30 because I was too tired and just prefer to sleep because I will have a music practice in Indonesian Embassy at 18.30. But suddenly the practice was canceled due to some weird yet true reason. So I changed my mind and went to the class. It was about the history of music in Hungary. It was fine and we sang a lot with the teacher. And while I was in the class listening (and singing), I also wrote some kind of poets, BUT not really. It was just random thoughts that I got really often lately, I will post it later maybe. I just hope that my random thoughts are good enough to be read by people.

3. I have no money. I don’t need to explain this.

4. And the last one is I disappointed my colleague by became an unprofessional person. Because of the third reason (MONEY!!), I was looking for a side job that could give me some money. And then I met my colleague and she offered me a project or a job. But the job required me to be able to do a specific thing, which I can’t. But I was thinking that the offer was really good for some people who know how to do that specific thing. So, I asked my friend to help me doing the job and she agreed. After that, the process of doing this job was starting less than a week ago. My colleague gave us the things to do and the deadlines. But the bad thing was we couldn’t manage to catch up with the deadline. So we were late, and sadly I can’t contact my friend at all until now. I thought maybe the signal in her phone was bad and she can’t online. But I was worried if something happened to her. Back to the story, long story short, my colleague kinda fed up with us not making it until the deadline. But I believe we tried, my friend tried. So she canceled the job and looked disappointed.

I have this kind of attitude that makes me thinking about every single thing I did or what happened before even after the things happened. It was like I couldn’t help myself to forget it. I worried so much: I worried about my friend who I asked to help me, I worried about making my colleague disappointed, I worried about her will see me this time and judge me as an unprofessional person for the rest of my life, I worried a lot. I shouldn’t have worried that much but still I couldn’t help myself, but to thinking about it. I understand that with just thinking about my mistake, it wouldn’t change anything. But my feelings always win over my brain, so I always thinking. But it’s good, that it always reminds me about my mistake and not doing that again. BUT STILL!!! I kinda punished myself for the mistake, but I punished my mental health instead. I’m getting crazier.

I just don’t want to disappoint people by doing something unprofessional. For me, to be professional is really important. Because it shows the quality in you. My experiences told me that I’m quiet professional in handling my jobs or projects before. But to be honest, sometime I was affected by my condition and it made me too lazy, even to move. That’s my bad habit. That’s one of the supportive reason why I can make someone disappointed by me. But I always try to be as responsible as I can be. Well, maybe we can’t be really good at doing everything because we need to make mistakes in order to learn from that.

But it sucks to make mistakes!!! Lesson learned.

Oh, I hate myself.. (not in the-suicidal-way!)

I’d rather be honest than be impressive.

Tyler Oakley

Be yourself because everyone else is taken!

Daniel and Brian, watched today 14.02.2012

bersyukur itu ketika aku bisa memijat lengan letih seorang wanita yang memastikan aku tumbuh besar dan sehat.

bersyukur itu ketika aku bisa belajar makna kehidupan: bukan sekedar si kaya dan si miskin, atau si cantik dan si jelek, tetapi juga belajar melihat manusia seutuhnya.

bersyukur itu ketika aku tahu: yang tepat, yang pas, yang sesuai, yang cocok, dan yang bukan.

bersyukur itu ketika aku tahu: aku adalah aku, berbeda.

bersyukur itu ketika: aku tahu, aku mau, dan aku bisa.

untuk semua hal di atas: aku bersyukur.

bukan, bukan sajak romantis tentang dua manusia,

melainkan sajak egois tentang diri;

tentang ungkapan keinginan,

dan celoteh pengharapan.

tentang kisah kehidupan,

dan untaian cerita lucu di sore hari bersama teman,

mengingat kepolosan saat memakan gulali untuk pertama kalinya.

ketika aku mulai merangkak remaja,

dan ketika aku mulai berjalan dewasa.

aku hanya ingin menulis cerita..

cerita egois tentangku, dan kehidupan.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2012!! *please imagine the sound of trumpet and fireworks*

Well, this year’s is kinda special. I spent my NYE in Amsterdam right after my Christmas holiday in Sweden and Denmark. It was awesome!! I spend around 20 days for the vacation. I had a christmas time with my cousin and her family in Sweden and had some South Sweden part and Denmark tour. Then, I spent my NYE in Amsterdam and it was so cool!! I met crazy roommates and went to the craziest NYE situation ever in my life.

I was in the Dome Square when the countdown began. Well actually, I already waited there since 22.30 with some drinks on my hand. On the street, there were so many people also waiting for the countdown. While waiting, they turned on a lot of fireworks, like A LOT! I never imagined to see that crowd moment and feel the joy, but I did and I am really happy about that. But there were some people who got into some accidents and got hurt by the fireworks, by the other drunk people. But overall, I believe they enjoyed the time. When the countdown happened, lots of people prepared to open the champagne they had. And lots of excitement that I can heard. IT WAS CRAZY! I went to a party after that and spent a great time there.

The point of me telling my NYE story was to tell you about the resolutions I made. Some people might see to make resolutions in the beginning of the year is important. But for me, you can’t know what you want to do for the next 365 days. So, I just wished like I always wish: to be a better person. In order to do that, I added some other points to encourage myself a little bit more. I decided to see the meaning of my first song that I heard in 2012 to become a spirit song for this year. And the song that I heard was the cover of Britney Spears’ song: Stronger by Glee. Well, the meaning was so strong in some ways that makes me need to be stronger than I was yesterday. Each day I need to get better as a person, think positive everyday, and I don’t need to be ‘galau’ or maybe ‘dreamy’ about love in this year. I started to believe that love will come and find you either way. So, what’s the need to look so depressed? Well, so far I become stronger till now. I hope I can stand still in this situation until the right time, maybe become a tough person – I don’t know.

Another resolution is to take care of myself. I know sometimes I’m just too lazy to think about what’s good for myself. That’s why, this year should be a year that I spend to think about myself: what I need physically, mentally, and emotionally. To be open to myself and think through things would be better for me. And that’s my beginning-of-the-year’s-resolution for now. Maybe, I will have another resolution tomorrow, next week, next month, or someday – I don’t know.

And for Valentine’s Day, I don’t have someone special to celebrate this day with. I think Valentine is not a really special day because you can show you love everyday. But the point of celebration itself that I want to express here. For this year’s Valentine’s Day, I just want to express my feelings toward my family and my beloved friends in Indonesia. I really miss them and I really want to spend times with them. But we are living in a really distant places, so I just need to be patient till I get home.

I just made the cake since I need something to show the joy of Valentine’s day and I dedicated this for the ones I mentioned before: my family and my friends.

Nothing special for this year’s Valentine’s day but the situation is kinda different. I am so far away from my family and friends and it makes me realize how much I miss them. It’s kinda sucks though, but this is what I decided before coming here. I just need to suck it up and live with it. Well, my journey is not end yet.

Happy New Years 2012 and Happy Valentine’s Day!! Lots of love <3 <3 <3

Life is really interesting because in ‘this word’ we can have a lot of things in it. Two of them are living the life and dying from life. What are the points of those things? One time you were born to this life and another time you gone from this life. Same things happen with other people. It feels like life is just a wasting thing because it just create something and then make it disappear afterwards. It seems so pointless.

But, as I mentioned before, life contains a lot of things inside of it. People know others, love others, hate others, and do a lot of things, like studying, working, having fun, feeling sad, and more importantly experiencing the life itself.

Nothing is pointless in living the life. We need to embrace everything that encounter our life, like born and death, since we were born and until we are going to meet death. Enjoy the life within and never regret anything!

My friend is having a contest to celebrate her birthday and will give the winner a book about Steve Jobs biography. I’m not really into Steve Jobs, but the idea to make a writing contest is tickling me a little bit. So, I want to express my thought in this blog.

What will I be in the next 10 years?

Short answer: I will still be myself in the next 10 years

Long answer: I will still be myself in the next 10 years, but better

I am no fortune teller who can describe my own future. But I can have a dream about what I will be in the future. For my job, I want to work in a good company. Or I want to be an entertainer because I really love entertaining people and singing. I also love cooking. Sometimes I also wish that I can work in a TV company that has program about culinary while I can travel at the same time. I also really love traveling. I want to have a job which can make me travel a lot! Who doesn’t want to travel a lot and not have to pay by themselves, right? :p I want to live my life not alone. So, I need to have a life partner who can understand me and fill my life with joy and happiness. I want to have a nice life with whoever my life partner is.

But one thing for sure that I know exactly what I will be in the future: better. I will be better in the future than myself right now. Right now, I believe that I am not good enough as a person. Because I just live the life for 20 years. But after another 10 years, I believe I will be better than I am now. I will be more mature, more lovable, more understandable, and better in any other possible way. Because I believe that I will live my life joyously if I can grow up and become a person who know what he wants and know what he has to do. I am on my way to be that person right now. So, one thing that I demand myself is to be myself. Because I know that is the important thing for me.

Never lose your color in a crowd. You can be better but can not turn yourself into something you are not. So, grow up but still be yourself.

Sziastok!

One thing that I understand in life is that we need to be tough to be able to survive in this crazy world. Life is not easy, that for sure. I always think that I didn’t have a childhood which I got spoiled by my parent. I consider myself as a child who is not being raised to be spoiled. I can say that I got raised mostly by my environment. My parent both worked really busy when I was a child. And also my brothers were living in an athlete dorm, when they wanted to be an athlete, so my parent put a lot of concerned on my brothers. And for myself, I got raised by nannies, which were crazy.

I’m not gonna say that my parent have never raised me. They raised me when I was a child, but not so much. I can say that because my relationship with both of them is not really strong. I just had a good relationship with them when I entered university. And still, I don’t consider it as a really close relationship. BUT, one thing to be highlighted, right now I don’t want to blame my parent about what happened in the past. Because I learn so much by living my life like this. A lot of things happened, good or bad, that build me into like this now. As I said before, I was raised by my environment which has my family in there.

One other thing that I learned from my environment is people sometimes always complain about their life and feel like they have the worst life ever. But it’s just them manipulating their brain with their own thoughts so they will feel pity about their lives. It’s just wrong. It is okay if you think that you have a bad things happen in life, but never set that as a point which summarize your whole life. Because it will affect your efforts in life when you have to do something to achieve what you want.

Maybe someone who is has a bad life now think that it happen because of their past and think that they have the worst life compared to other people. This way of thinking just make themselves feel bad and degrading their spirit to be able to move forward. Because in reality, some people can get a pretty good life even though they had a bad childhood. I just learned it today.

I met with a friend who is now working in a pretty good place and has a great future ahead. She is a confident and nice person who is also funny and looks happy. But I just know that she had a pretty bad childhood that involves divorced parent and not knowing her real mother. And the other day, one of my friend here told me about his past. He was diagnosed with a spinal calcification problem which makes his nerve got stuck and made him not be able to do anything. But now, he is working here and having a really good time like those thing never happened before.

One thing that I can take into account as a lesson for me is that both of them had a rough time in the past. Its both hard but they did not give up just because of that. They tried to do the right things for them and always keep thinking positive while through with it. That is a great things to have in ourselves, especially to live in this world right now. Life gets harder and harder. Nothing  is easy as it looks or it sounds. People do try and they have to give a lot of efforts so they can get what they want.

Always think positive about everything. Never over think about yourself. Never listen to haters. Never think you are worthless. Because you can do things, if only you want to try harder.

Viszontlátásra!