What I am going to do?

Hey life!

I was watching some videos on YouTube this afternoon while browsing some movies. In few videos, I watched people talking about their life and what they’ve been doing with it. Some people seem to have reached a point in life where they can set as their turning point in life and set it as the base of how to live their life to the fullest.

They seem to do things they love. It seems that they met their opportunities and they took it. They did not miss the chance and pursue what they love. I have no idea where they got the courage or the motivation. And I don’t know what those are.

I want to do great things with my life. I want to achieve things in my young age. But it seems that I don’t have the motivation yet, or the courage to do it.

I want to conquer my fears and do what I love the most, and also be myself 100%. But it seems that I am lack of motivation. I don’t know why I am lack of it. Might be because I am not inspired enough by my environment. I don’t know. 😐

I feel so empty somehow. I need purpose in life. I think the most important thing for me right now is to seek the motivation. I have to look and know what I want and try to fulfill that. I don’t exactly know how to do it or where I should start looking for it. But as far as I know, I need to look for it.

We’ll see what I’m going to do for it.

Cheers!

insecurity today

So today has been pretty weird for me, not because of the people around me but mostly because of myself. I met some people today who showed me about things I didn’t even realize or feel.

I just got out of my room about 5 pm to deliver some foods. When I delivered it, someone mentioned about my face looked kinda depressed or stressed. The weird thing is I did not even feel anything at that moment but my face showed something. I just did not realize what my feelings were today; was I happy, sad, or what? probably confused.

The confusion made me super insecure, I suppose. I was being friendly, but suddenly I felt super unfriendly to some people. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just I wasn’t in a very good mood.

Somehow the insecurity hit me when me and my friends were in a foodcourt my spanish teacher built near my small food stall. When I got there, I talked with my spanish teacher and she mentioned about how great the chefs in her place and she showed me the kitchen, the big oven and all the equipments she and her chefs have. It kinda hit me and made me insecure about myself, my own business.

I was questioning myself deep inside: have I done enough? should I do more of everything? or should I give up?

I felt insecure because I know my knowledge, compared to my spanish teacher’s chefs, is not enough. My skills are not enough. My ideas are, also, not enough. Maybe everything is not enough.

In my mind, I also am thinking that I have enough for now. I can increase my knowledge of food, I can improve my cooking skills. I can turn “not enough” into “enough”. Maybe the thing is, for right now, I just need to feel low and weak in order to get stronger.

Well, hope so.

To understand the loneliness

Being lonely is a phase that everyone will feel in any occassion. Whether it is for a long time or for a short time.

Being lonely starts when you have no one around you. When people leeave you. When you decide to stray away from people, or reality.

The feeling of loneliness will occur without you even noticing it. So, we better be prepared for that.

Loneliness can bring you up or break you down. It can bring you up to let you remind what you have to do, what are your goals in life. Yet it can break you down when you give up to the loneliness.

You can let the loneliness comes when you allow it to, or you can push it against you. No one can deal with your loneliness better than yourself.

Loneliness is a moment of silence. It is also a moment of truth. Whether you like it or not, you will face it no matter what.

Toughen up your seatbelts!

going home with worries

Tonight I’m going back home. I actually told people that I’m going back because I need to update my driver’s license, but the truth is I am worrying about a lot of things.

A couple weeks ago my nephew got sick and he was brought to the hospital. I know that he had tumor in his belly for several months. But the time he’s been brought to the hospital was the time I worried a lot about him. He’s still 6 years old and he has to have this kind of sickness. The tumor might not be dangerous, but the bills is expensive. My brother and sister-in-law think they can’t handle the bills. So they are kinda waiting for some ‘miracle’ to happen. I don’t believe in waiting for miracle to happen without even trying to do something. I hate their actions because it makes me worry a lot.

When I knew my nephew got into the hospital, I was scared and terrified if something worse will happen. I saw the picture of him being connected with all these medical equipments, it hurts me. I was crying when I imagine him in the hospital. I was thinking to go back home at that time, even though I just went home one week before. But there were, and still are, so many things to do here. So I just sucked my worries up and did everything I could do here.

Things don’t get better with the difficulties I get with my works here: my project is moving slowly because of some stupid bureaucracies and my thesis is not going so well because I’m kinda stuck in the middle of my own thoughts. In these kind of situations, I usually rely on my friends. But somehow I don’t want to bother them with these and try to deal with it by myself. Even without my problems, we already had some dramas.

Me and one of my friends kinda argued about something stupid. She told me about her feelings that she felt neglected just because she didn’t received any gift for her graduation. Giving gifts to the graduating close friends is a new thing invented by me other friends while I was away. But right now it’s only me and some friends left in university, so we are kinda in charge of these whole ceremonial thingy. Back to the topic, I understood about what she’s feeling. But I also felt kinda weird for her to bring this issue. I mean, me and my friends will never tell them that we’re going to give them presents. And at that moment, I was actually looking for the gifts to give to them. I felt annoyed, maybe because I also thought she’s being selfish because she doesn’t know about what’s been happening in my life throughout this month. Well, I can’t blame her for that. My mistake is not letting them know about my problems. Maybe if they know, they can be more considerate. Another mistake I made is not giving the presents sooner, it has been 3 months since their graduation. So, I made mistakes.

Another reason why I’m going back home tonight is I want to runaway for a while from everything. From my friends, from my obligations, from my projects. I just want to focus on myself, and looking out for my nephew. I miss him so much and I really want to meet him. I will also update my driver’s license, by the way. But I kinda use that reason just to meet my nephew. I hope it’ll get better, for him and for me.

Miss you Khalila, Kafka, Raffa..

Get well soon, dear Kafka 🙂

Om Aldo sayang Kafka!

xoxo

finally?

finally, he left off to visit his friend’s house in another city this morning. while he was here, I already met him, like, three times. so far, I realized that I miss him but I miss our friendship the most. I miss talking with him, laughing with him, and being crazy with him. feelings aside, he is one of my best friends since elementary school and I should not jeopardize it over some feelings in an uncertain situations.

who says people who had feelings to each other can’t be friends? I reject that statement because I believe that what happened in the past is an experience to be learned. from that experience, people can improve their qualities as a person and as a good friend. a good history can make a great base to build a friendship with the loved ones. as long as you part with them not because of bad reasons, there is still a chance for you to be friends.

being best friends with him again is what I really want right now. to achieve something great in our life, we have to, sometimes, sacrifice something important. in my case right now, it’s my feelings toward him. but I gain something as precious as that, our friendship.

but one thing I hope right now is that we’re not going to lose contact. I don’t want for this to happen again.

gonna miss you! let’s meet again, sir! 🙂

unresolved problems? (1)

well, suddenly I went to see him. since he asked about what I was doing and I was doing nothing. so I asked if he wants to go somewhere, and he says that he wants to go out. well, then we went to ice cream shop and then a really nice place to have snacks and hang out. we talked again about lots of things and then I realized that this kind of thing is the one thing I miss the most between us. for us to share our stories. it seems that I never really knew what had been happening with him. I learned that he had pains, which I also had. I just knew that he is a really open-minded person when he found out about me and my belief. I am so glad to spend times with him. this unresolved problems are still unresolved right at the moment. but so far, I feel like I know where this is going. and I hope this will be good for both of us.

this mr.

we met when I was 11, about 10 years ago. at that time we went to a same course together, and I never imagined that we would be studying in the same schools for 6 years. also, I never imagined that I could develop this kind of feeling towards him.

we became good friends in junior high. for about 3 years, I remember that I spent a lot of time with him as friends. we were in the same class in second grade of junior high and I remembered that we used to spent times together having fun or just talking. sometimes I went to his house and other times he went to mine.

but I feel that things changed when we went to senior high. even though we went to the same senior high, we kinda went separate ways. maybe because we did not have a chance to be in the same class. or maybe because he met new friends and new hobbies that I couldn’t follow. at that time it hit me, I kinda missed our time. I missed talking and playing with him. sure, we were still talking and sometimes having fun together, but it’s just different. I didn’t even realize that I felt something more than just friends. I guess I felt comfortable around him. he is nice, polite, and funny in his own way. I liked him. but it’s just weird in my community to feel that way, so I hid my feelings.

the time I understood what my feelings were, it was too late. we went to different colleges and only time could tell when we’ll meet again.

on some reunion events I could, at least, hope to meet him. but I knew that things would not change between us. things will only get weirder for me instead.

after so long not talking to him, last July I accidentally met him by accident. I was planning on meeting my friends and I didn’t know that they were having dinner with him and other friends. My heart raced so hard. I felt that I couldn’t breathe and it would stop anytime. how do you feel when you miss suddenly dreamed about him/her and it makes you miss this person, and after that you accidentally meet him/her?

we had no problems before. my feelings toward him become unresolved problems that bothers me a lot. I always try to move on and get on with my life, but somehow he manages to slip back into my life and make things even more complicated for me.

recent event: after about more than 6 months not hearing anything from him, suddenly yesterday he dm-ed me on twitter and asking if I was available in my university town because he is in town right now. I was shocked at first. why? because I never expected to have him in my university town, let alone contacting me. so he asked if I could show him around and have dinner together, and I kinda happy but at the same time worried. I worried if things will get worse for me, I worried if he is too nice, I worried a lot.

Well, I went to meet him last night and we ate dinner and talked about lots of stuff, our school moments, our passions, our plan for the future, etc. I enjoyed talking to him, a lot. seeing him yesterday and knowing that he’ll be around for a couple more days just pinches me in the heart. it makes me worry for not to be able to meet him again while he’s here. it makes me worry if he feels weird after he met me. it worries me to lost contact with him, again. I worry a lot. even my mood just changed drastically today because he canceled on having dinner with me so he can shop for souvenirs. I just become this clingy-weird person who secretly in love with someone.

and he just texted me, again, right now and asked me where I am. maybe he wants to go somewhere and have me accompany him and his friend. it’s just a normal thing for friend to ask other friends. but I experienced a lot of ambiguous moments yesterday with him. and it makes me expect.

I hate to be in this position when I worry a lot about things that are not even possible just because of some ambiguous moments and hope. I set my hopes up just because I want it and he acted ambiguously. maybe he didn’t. maybe I just made it up in my head. but what if I want to? does that make me a bad person? is it bad to feel like this?

my feelings just become even more unresolved than before. but not seeing him right now is not the best option for me. because we’ve been friends since a long time ago and I just don’t want things to change. is it my fault to have the feelings?

is it, sir?

Moving on from the fabulous year of 2012 into another great year of 2013!

Throughout this entire year, a lot of things happened and affected my life so much. From having the time to study foreign cultures and meet great people, and then my coming out story to some of my best friends. Those things affected me in so many ways that made me think more about what I want in my life and what I actually need. I wasn’t quite sure about what I wanted to do in my life. I got the times to figure out some of my problems. Even though I am still confused about what I am going to do with my career after I graduate, but at least I am building my principles and make it stronger than before.

STRONGis my keyword in 2012. On 31 December 2011, I promised myself that the first song I hear at 00.00 on 1 January 2012 is my theme song for this year. And it was Britney Spears’ Stronger. What a coincidence, I also promised myself on my birthday that the first song I heard that day would be my second theme song this year. Well, I’m not sure if it was a coincidence or what, but it was Kelly Clarkson’s Stronger. Two songs that tell you about how we should be stronger. Basically, Britney is trying to tell the listener about how they should be stronger even though they are alone or single. And Kelly C. is also trying to give the same picture to them. But the main idea is to be stronger in any condition. That’s what I’ve been struggling with last year, being stronger. I was confused about myself and I was afraid to admit my differences for years. I was afraid that me being different is going to change people’s opinion about me and their actions toward me. I was watching and learning from people’s stories on YouTube. I learned about how we can be secure about ourselves by understanding that we are not the problem. There is nothing wrong about being different, because everyone is different from one another. Being different doesn’t mean it’s bad. Good or bad is the conclusion of someone’s actions. While being different is just being human. People conclude, sometime judge, if things are good or bad. But in the end, we are the ones who decide and take the right action,for ourselves and not for other people.We may affect other people’s life with our situation, but it is not our problem for them to manage it.

I learned about how being the best of myself is the right thing to do. People might like it or dislike it, but never think that it’s your fault if they hate you. When people hate someone, they hate it with their own feelings and not with yours. Hatred is never good, but it exists in everyone’s chapter of emotions. We can never avoid it, but we can control it. As for the one who being hated, it’s normal in life to have people who is not really into your stuffs. But they are still people and we need to respect each other. The most important thing to think is if the one who hate you is worth your time or not. Problems will come and go, but we need to sort those problems into to different category: important and unimportant. We need to start think smart and sort our problems into the right category so it can’t disturb anything.

BEING STRONGERis the lesson I learned from my journey on 2012. I came out to some of my closest friends, and I am planning on telling more people. I want them to understand that the terms ‘normal’ can apply to any other situations, if only they would understand. Being stronger means I have to face any bad output in the future. Life is always full of surprises. Risks will always be there in every step we take. Instead of avoiding it, we just need to face it.

I am ready to face 2013! Good things and bad things will happen, and we need to cherish those moments in the future. By cherishing every moment, we will have no regret in life. Learn from the past, prepare yourself now and get ready for the future.

thank you and goodbye to 2012. 🙂

welcome, 2013! 😉

hell of a week!!

I just finished my work for an event. I became an LO for the event, Country LO. So, I need to take care of delegations from another country. This event is a big level event because of the delegations are high levels politicians in their countries. I had ups and downs throughout the entire week. From getting yelled, to getting compliments. My emotions kinda unstable at this time because I am sooooo tired!! Especially when I was working while thinking about some other things that happened in my family. But in the end, I am so happy and so excited for the event. I got a lot of knowledge from this event, by having conversation with other LOs or delegations, and also by organizing things in a VERY chaotic situation. When I knew about how much salary I did get for this event, compared with some other LOs, I was a little bit disappointed. Maybe because I felt like I already gave 100% for my work and maybe that wasn’t enough compared with the other LOs. But in the end, the most important thing is the experience I got from this event. This experience is priceless. So, I will learn a lot from it and embrace it. I am so excited to be able to join another event like this and help to make it happen!!

 

nighty-night world!

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Hey again World!

So, it’s been a long time since I post anything here. I might not be so busy back here in my country, but I still have obligations at the university — I need to finish my courses and start to work on my thesis.

 

Well, I’ve been back since the middle of July, but the taste of my journey from the past year, yet I still feel it. Maybe it’s not that easy to move on from being settle in a new activity and then move on into another one. This is what I felt in my first three months in Hungary. But I still can live it.

 

Maybe for me right now it’s all about taking care of myself and this is the time for me to be someone, or at least to know what I want for myself. I might have a vision, but it still blurs. Things move really slowly around me. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me who don’t know how to accelerate it. But still, I still have no intention to move faster. I don’t know, maybe I’m just too lazy, or maybe too comfortable.

 

Right now, I have no intention to decide anything. But I need to decide something. What do you think?

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